Jonah and the Pirates

From The Order of Her Noodly Appendage
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Now the word of The Demiurge came to Jonah the son of Amittai, saying, "Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me."

But Jonah rose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of The Demiurge. He went down to Joppa and found a ship going to Tarshish. So he paid the fare and went down into it, to go with them to Tarshish, away from the presence of The Demiurge.

Then The Demiurge hurled a great wind upon the sea, and there was a mighty tempest on the sea, so that the ship threatened to break up.

Then the pirates became afraid and every man cried to his own god, and they threw the cargo which was in the ship into the sea to lighten it for them. But Jonah had gone below into the hold of the ship, lain down and fallen sound asleep.

So the captain approached him and said, "How is it that you are sleeping? Get up, call on your god. Perhaps your god will be concerned about us so that we will not perish."

And they said to one another, “Come, let us cast lots, that we may know on whose account this evil has come upon us.” So they cast lots, and the lot fell on Jonah.

So they asked him, "Tell us, who is responsible for making all this trouble for us? What kind of work do you do? Where do you come from? What is your country? And of what people are you?"

And he said to them, “I am a Hebrew, and I fear the LORD, the God of heaven, who made the sea and the dry land.”

This terrified them and they asked, "What is this that you have done!” For the men knew that he was fleeing from the presence of The Demiurge, because he had told them.

The sea was getting rougher and rougher. So they asked him, "What should we do to you to make the sea calm down for us?"

He said to them, “Pick me up and hurl me into the sea; then the sea will quiet down for you, for I know it is because of me that this great tempest has come upon you.”

Instead, the men did their best to row back to land. But they could not, for the sea grew even wilder than before.

Then they cried out to The Demiurge, "O LORD let us not perish for this man’s life, and lay not on us innocent blood for you, O LORD, have done as it pleased you."

Finaly they picked up Jonah and hurled him into the sea, and the sea ceased from its raging.

Then the men feared The Demiurge exceedingly, and they offered a sacrifice to The Demiurge and made vows.