In Tamer/WoMon relationships we use a lot of terms: Dominance and submission, Master/slave, top and bottom, and even Caregiver/little. The definition is in the phrase: power and control are exchanged between partners with one person taking control and having the power, while the other partner gives up control.

It’s easy to think that each specific dynamic (D/s, M/s, Cg/l, etc.) are all completely different from each other.

But ultimately, they’re all power exchange relationships.

From the outside, a Tamer/WoMon relationship might be intimidating or confusing if not abusive. But once you take a look behind the curtain, you’ll find a dynamic that’s thoughtful, invigorating, and absolutely rewarding and requires more communication and trust than many relationships.

And as such, all fall under certain common “rules” or best practices. Every dynamic is unique, but if it’s a power exchange, these things remain true no matter what.

There is no single way.

Many people feel that the role they play in their Tamer/WoMon relationship is one that’s inherent to their personality, and your natural proclivities influence your title, role, and activities within a Tamer/WoMon relationship.

The drive to dominate, inflict pain on, care about and protect a person come as naturally to some dominants as does attraction to the opposite sex does to others.

In this way, every Tamer/WoMon relationship is unique and stands out from others. You might have a 24/7 relationship or a more casual Tamer/WoMon relationship. It’s up to you!

Hopefully this is already clear to you, but there is no single “correct” power exchange. Dominance and submission is not “better” than Master/slave. Playing as top and bottom isn’t “inferior” to a D/s relationship. Whatever way works for you and your WoMai is the right way. And however you configure your power exchange is the right way.

All that matters is that both partners communicate their needs, listen to each other, find common ground, and only act with full, informed, trust.

Forming a Power Exchange Relationship

Establish trust. Build trust with someone you know very well or not at all. There are varying opinions as some suggest forming a power exchange relationship is more meaningful with someone you know well. An alternate perspective says a power exchange can be effective, or more so, with someone outside your general “everyday” life. In the second circumstance, some may feel less reserved about giving up their power. It is a matter of preference and end game. It just depends on what you are looking to get out of the power exchange.

A Taming contract, which we'll discuss later, is something you might opt for to ensure you’re on exactly the same page as your partner. Talk about what you’re interested in, what has you worried, fantasies and fetishes you have, your romantic and sexual history (including any trauma) and your health (diabetes or arthritis may require you to adjust your Taming activities).

The more you talk, the more likely your Tamer/WoMon relationship will provide you with what you need and want from it.

Avoid Fear

People are sometimes afraid to form power exchange relationships because of moral “hangups.” Ethical pinnings may keep them from engaging in conduct they view as morally bankrupt, for example. Establishing trust and setting boundaries will help dispel anxiety or fears.

Learn Social Exchange Theory

Generally a theory applied to economics, the concept also may help you better understand your partner's needs. They psychological aspects apply between partners, the sociological applies to behavioral exchanges between groups.

It can be Casual or Serious

If I had a dollar for every time someone said, “It’s not ‘real’ Taming unless you’re in love” OR “It’s not a real Taming once you fall in love” I’d be a rich bitch. Taming can be EITHER. They can be both. Sometimes you begin as friends, and end up lovers. Maybe you start as lovers and become casual WoMai partners. Maybe all you want is a WoMon partner you can trust when you’re in the mood to play. And maybe you can only handle a power exchange in a committed relationship. It’s ALL valid.

Casual Tamer/WoMon

Casual Tamer/WoMon implies a casual relationship. You and your WoMai don’t have a partner whom you form a committed relationship.

You come together, do your kinky fuckery thing, and then go your separate ways. The connection is friendly and real, but this isn’t someone you rely on every day for direction.

Bedroom Only

Many Tamers and WoMai begin in the bedroom only, especially if they aren't in an existing vanilla relationship together and want to test the experience first.

In this context, Taming is much more sexual in nature. Taming Sessions begin as quick hookups then morph into clearly defined roles between the two.

Once the Session is over, you revert to your more typical roles with little or no power exchange. Titles, tasks, rituals, and other trappings of Taming occur in the bedroom (figuratively or literally) but not anywhere else. Many relationships begin here and switch to a 24/7 style, but do what works best for your relationship.

24/7 Dominance and Submission

Not everyone wants a 24/7 relationship, regardless of what it may sound like on Tamer Life. It requires a high level of commitment and responsibility for both partners. It also tends to come with a steep learning curve on what exactly 24/7 means to your relationship.

Making your Taming dynamic a full-time part of your relationship means that it’s often much less about sex, fetish, or kinky fuckery and more of a relationship style. While all forms of Taming are about the power exchange (and not really about sex at all), this is a level of control that can, if you want it to, permeate every part of your life.

24/7 isn’t for everyone, and it will ebb and flow throughout your life together. Illness, financial stress, parenting, and other factors will often need to take precedence over the visible or obvious parts of a 24/7 relationship. Many Tamer/WoMon couples rely on a more subtle and nuanced power exchange in those moments.

Romantic vs. Platonic

While not a “style” of Tamer/WoMon relationship, there is another consideration of Taming that often gets forgotten. Most people think of Taming as primarily romantic and sexual relationships. Obviously they can be, but that’s not the only way.

Some Tamers form more platonic relationships. WoMai may focus on acts of service, forms of discipline, or bottoming in a scene. Tamers establishes some kind of control over an aspect of a WoMon’s life. They care about each other but, no one wants to get married or have babies together. By the way, not all romantic relationships want that, either.

The people involved in a platonic Tamer/WoMon relationship can (and often do) care for each other very deeply. A bond is formed between them that can be as strong as any romantic relationship. Do not discount non-romantic Tamer/WoMon as somehow less than romantic attachments. The same amount of communication and trust is required to make it work.

Maybe the most important thing to take away from is that there is no right or wrong way to do Taming. Casual, bedroom, 24/7, or some hybrid form of all of it – they’re all valid ways to find satisfaction, happiness, love, or connection. All that matters is that you and your partner find what works for you, build trust, communicate constantly, and always get consent first.

You Choose Your Labels

Call yourself whatever you want: Sir, Ma’am, Lady, Duke, Duchess, Daddy, Mommy, Papi, Lord, King, Queen, babygirl, pet, kitten, pup, WHATEVER. The labels are yours to choose in your relationship.

One title may feel more personal or simply more fitting for your particular Tamer/WoMon relationship.

Although these titles may also dictate roles. For example, a Daddy and little relationship often include child-like and parental elements, regardless of the specific power exchange dynamic you choose, what you call yourself can be anything that works for you.

Plenty of Caregiver/little dynamics don’t use terms like “Daddy” or “Mommy.” Master/slave relationships don’t always refer to each other as Master/Mistress or slave. The label doesn’t define your power exchange — you do.

Why do we need to put ourself into boxes anyway? Honestly, we don't. So many people find it helpful in figuring out their own existence that we define ourselves to great depths to help us feel normal and accepted... even if it's just to please ourselves.

Relationship Dynamics

Common Elements in Tamer/WoMon Relationships

Below you’ll find a few elements that are common to Tamer/WoMon interactions. You can choose to incorporate them as is or modify to meet your needs.

Contracts outline expectations, roles, medical history, the process of negotiating the relationship and amer/WoMon interests and limits. Find examples here.
A collar is worn around a WoMon’s neck to indicate “ownership.” While the collar may be an actual collar, and Tamers sometimes have a custom collar made, a necklace or other piece of jewelry can take the place of the collar. Tamers may give collars in collaring ceremonies.
Training is a way for a WoMon to learn activities, poses and even patterns of speech to the Tamer’s satisfaction. A WoMon may be corrected or even disciplined for disobedience, failing to practice or otherwise performing unsatisfactorily.
Safe words or actions or systems can be used by the WoMon and the Tamer will respect to slow or halt play. Your safe word can be anything, but you might need to use something other than a word if your play involves mouth bondage.
Aftercare occurs after a Session. It involves treating your mental and physical state after Taming activities. Both the Tamer and WoMon may need aftercare.

Relationship Style

What Style of D/s Relationship Do You Want?

To try to write a list of potential “styles” of Tamer/WoMon relationships means that a lot will get missed. Why is that? Because each unique relationship will have its own personal style. The style you forge with one partner will be different from what you have with a different partner. But there are some general styles to keep in mind when figuring out what kind of Tamer/WoMon relationship you think you want.

We can, however, put every relationship into 5 different relationship dynamics. I'm sure there are more, but for the purpose of this intoduction, I will be covering the 5 types that I can see in this life. This is not the only way to look at and describe relationships, but it is a good beginning. I am not a relationship expert and what I am writing about is my own observations. If you feel that another definition fits your idea of each relationship type, then by all means, please use your own.

As Equals

Most of the relationships that exist today are considered equal relationships. This means that each person has an equal decision-making right. Essentially this means that the couple take turns being the lead. It can be during bill paying or sex or any other house-making roles. One leads and the other follows, but it's seamless really. Both parties feel that they are giving and receiving equally and that is how communication and honesty develop.

Tamer-Led Vanilla

Unlike their Dominant counterparts, a Tamer-led vanilla relationship does not have defined roles. Instead, it carries an unspoken protocol much like a 50's style housewife and husband. The WoMon is subservient (not necessarily submissive) to her Tamer in all things. It is, however, a delicate balance between being in a Tamer-led relationship and one felt as oppressive and abusive by your WoMai.

WoMon-Led Vanilla

In a WoMon-led relationship, the WoMon is considered the leader. In 'progressive feminist' society, this is seen as a welcome sight to the previous male-dominated world. Society sees a WoMon-led relationship as empowering to both parties and a move forward. It's established that the WoMon makes the decisions in the relationship. It could even take on a reverse 50's household-like feel.

Dominant/Submissive

A Dominant/submissive relationship is one of defined roles where one is always the Dominant and the other is always the submissive in the relationship. One difference of this type of relationship and the vanilla counterparts is that there usually is an erotic counterpart to the roles; one that helps spice up the relationship. This type of relationship may or may not participate in BDSM or Domestic Discipline. The other noted difference is that there is never a relaxation of roles, where one party or the other may switch which is more likely to happen in vanilla relationships.

Master/Slave

Considered a form of Total Power Exchange, a Master/slave relationship is one where a slave completely surrenders to the will of the Master. Different from the Dominant/Submissive relationship by the stigma of consensual slavery and it's stronger service base. A Master/slave relationship is not unlike a Dominant/Submissive one on many levels. A slave may not have right to voice opinions or provide input of any kind in decision-making. A slave may also be commanded to do things that submissives can negotiate. It's all about flexibility of roles. Master and slave roles are the most rigid, in my opinion.

Defined Roles

The greatest benefit that relationships with defined roles have is that no one is left wondering who's turn it is to lead. Granted, I rarely have heard of a fight directly related to roles, but I have heard them about a purchase that wasn't agreed upon, a decision that was made without the other's input and even choices when it comes to children. In a defined roles relationship it's a lot easier to know who decides what and how the outcome will play out. No one is left questioning if this bill got paid or when a new Skidoo ends up in the driveway.

Another benefit to defined roles is that it can help enhance a relationship because the parties would work in a smoother fashion. Each knows what is required of them and performs their duties for the betterment and enhancement of the relationship.

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Set boundaries

Set clear and respectful boundaries beforehand, this act alone is rife with healthy communication, boundary-setting, mutual respect, trust, teamwork, and honesty.

Commonly referred to as “workable formal structure,” rules need to set the standard of behavior between partners.

Have a structure

You will have to establish rituals to form a power exchange relationship to define who has the authority and who will not. People often assign actions to each other to do this. Wearing a collar, positive directive and negative law, for example.

So what is structure?

Structure is an organized framework for one's routine. It can be decided upon for exactness or you can have a more flexible structure that allows you some freedom for decision making.

For example, if a one decided that there would be structure to how you were to prepare for bed, they may set up rules that tell you when to go to bed, how to get into bed and what to wear to bed. The structure of this routine is important to defining one's submission and the value of one's service.

Structure can also be more flexible to let one decide how to go about the routine. If one only gives you a bedtime, then it is assumed that you will set up a routine leading up to bedtime so that you aren't going from eating dinner straight to bed.

Rules are the backbone of structure. They provide the correct way to do things within the structure established. Some relationships have a lot of rules and others have very few. This is decided upon how flexible the structure of the relationship is. It is not necessarily better or worse to have a lot or a few rules. The only thing that matters is if you follow them correctly.

Is structure present in every relationship? Sure on some level, there is structure in every relationship, vanilla or otherwise. In a Taming context, the structure may be more pronounced if it exists. Bedroom submissives tend to have less structure than 24/7 submissives and slaves likely have even more than that.

What is your structure like? Is the framework your rules map out really well defined or do you have some liberty to improvise to get the job done?

There’s Room for Negotiation

One of the tenets of a Tamer/WoMon relationships is being on the same page.

You choose whether a agreement that works for you (or even if you want to sign a formal contract). You can alter it, too. Furthermore, the option to update the contract and thus the terms of your relationship is always there. Some Tamer/WoMon couples specifically outline when they’ll discuss the terms of their contract (30 days, 3 months, 1 year, etc.).

Even without a contract, your Tamer/WoMon relationship should leave room for renegotiation should you decide you want to try more or less or stop altogether. For example, if you are the victim of sexual assault, the nature of your Tamer/WoMon relationship may need to change so you can heal.

BDSM

Adding elements of BDSM or getting into a Tamer/WoMon relationship can be quite exciting! But you should proceed with caution. If regular sex requires thoughtful communication (it does), then adding potentially risky activities to your relationship and Taming Sessions requires even more discussion!

Thoughts to Ponder

The following questions are meant to spure personal development; they are provided to help you affirm what relationship type would work best for you.

Which relationship type sounds the most welcoming to you? Why do you feel this way?
Which relationship type sounds the scariest or most difficult to attain? Why?
What type of relationship are you currently in? What traits would you add to these descriptions that I left out?
What type of relationship are/were your parents in? Do you think their relationship type influenced yours?
Can someone move in and out of relationships of different types or do you think people seek out one type of relationship from the start?

Conclusion

Everything that happens in a Tamer/WoMon relationship requires trust, even if it doesn’t look like that from the outside. This is true for everything from hardcore non-consent play to the lightest of contact. You feel safe or it doesn’t happen.

Whatever type of relationship you choose, you can be sure that there will be personal growth and development that can bring your relationship to the ultimate one for you. NO relationship is worth it's salt without work from both parties, so get your gloves on and prepare to get dirty. Just make sure you know who makes those decisions.

Together, Tamer and WoMai work as a team to create a pleasing, sexually-charged, arousing, and satisfying experience. One where all feel comfortable, and all receive the stimulation and desires that they crave.

WoMon:Taming for Dummies

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