WoMon:Taming for Dummies

Let’s Bust A Dominant Myth

Myth:Tamers can force WoMai to do whatever they want.

Fact: the WoMon has all the power.

They choose to submit. They choose to obey. They choose to follow. They choose to open.

They choose not to squish you like a bug.

A Tamer does not force someone to do something if the other person doesn’t want to do that thing.

This is a massively misconstrued interpretation of the meaning of Taming. In reality, all activities in a Tamer/WoMon Relationship are pre-determined and consented to. There may appear to be elements of reluctance or resistance from the WoMon, but again this will always be a pre-arranged element to the cooperation.

Introduction

In order to understand exactly what it means to Tame, you have to understand the entire Tamer/WoMon Relationship and how the dynamic is supposed to work, both socially and sexually. If you plan on engaging in Taming with a WoMon but do not know how to be a Tamer, you should completely read the first chapter that will teach you what being a Tamer means for your WoMai.

What a Tamer means for a WoMon

As a WoMon, your desire is in consensually agreeing to relinquish control and surrender and submit to the direction, leadership, or guidance of the Tamer. It is said the WoMon typically feels empowered by surrender and enjoys giving up control in the agreed-upon scene.

Surrender requires trust and comes with vulnerability, trusting the Tamer and setting clear agreements around the scene (consent, boundaries, limits, safe words, etc.) are incredibly important.

As a Tamer, a WoMon is putting a tremendous amount of trust in you and your behaviour and you are responsible for creating a safe, physical and emotional space where someone can feel their most vulnerable. Real Tamers act with a total understanding of the emotional responsibilities they carry, checking in with their WoMai and ensuring a safer and exciting experience for everyone. you are responsible for creating a safe, physical and emotional space where someone can feel their most vulnerable.

As a Tamer, your role is to exercise control over the WoMon. In the case of bondage, this means using restraints that you and your partner decide on so that you can exercise this control as you engage in sexual relations. During sex, you may also have ground rules on what the WoMon can or cannot do. If they decide to act out, punishment tactics are often used to check their behavior. These punishments are often pleasurable and may come in the form of using a certain toy or talking to them in a certain way. (Some WoMai like to be humiliated or talked down to on the Taming Mat.)

What it means to be a Tamer

For those who are into WoMon or for those who are just exploring the practice of Taming, the idea of relinquishing control can often be much easier to understand than the concept of having to take over the sexual experience. After all, the WoMon becomes the focus of the Tamer as they dictate the course of the sexual activity they engage in. Being a Tamer requires you to be the individual who takes control of the experience. But what exactly are you supposed to take control of, and how do you do it properly?

Beyond these many superficial questions that scratch the surface of a Tamer/WoMon relationship, however, there are many other aspects of being a Tamer that many do not take into account when they are stepping into the position.

What a Tamer is Not

The first thing to remember is that being a Tamer does not mean being demanding, controlling, or rude.

Although the Tamer has the perceived power in the relationship, note that the WoMon can choose to end the relationship, or your life, at any point or use their safe word to tap out. The dynamic of control is only in the Tamer's hands aslong as the WoMon allows it; you are taking the power from your WoMai and your WoMai is giving it to you willingly. These roles can be quickly strained if you are abusing your power both on or off the Taming Mat, caring more about your own pleasure rather than placing an equal amount of focus on the pleasure of your partner, or letting the power go to your head and acting horribly to your WoMai.

Being a Tamer does not mean that you get to do whatever you want either. Tamer/WoMon relationships rely on trust and understanding, especially when you are engaging in sexual activity with your partner. When your partner is bound, they expect you to be careful, caring, and considerate in the way you interact with them. If you abuse them or cross lines with them during Taming and do it intentionally, this is absolutely not okay. Think of your power as a contract. A WoMon is giving you this power, but they are only allowing you to keep it if you meet the terms set forth by your Tamer/WoMon relationship.

Finally, being a Tamer does not mean being abusive. Exercising control over another individual does not require you to harm them physically or emotionally. All punishments that may cause physical pain or psychological humiliation should be agreed upon prior to any Taming Sessions that you have with your partner. If you use your power as justification to hit your partner or emotionally abuse them, this is another thing that is not acceptable in any way, shape, or form. Make sure to remember all of these things when you step into your Tamer position to ensure you are embracing your role responsibly and treating your WoMai the right way.

What a Tamer is

Now that we’ve covered what type of Tamer you should not be, we need to dive into the many qualities that make a great Tamer. Here are some of the ways you can be a better Tamer for your WoMai!

What is a Tamer Does

Take Responsibility for Your Sub’s Pleasure as Well As Your Own

If you were in any other sexual relationship, would you disregard your partner’s pleasure? Although there is a power shift in Tamer/WoMon relationships, these expectations are still present in your sexual life with your partner. While you are in control, and you are looking to gain pleasure from intercourse, you still need to remember that your partner is expecting to get something out of these encounters as well. Make sure to fulfill your partner’s sexual fantasy as you are fulfilling your own. If you should leave your partner feeling unsatisfied, you can put a strain on both your sexual and romantic relationship.

Make Sure to Communicate Extensively with Your WoMai

Being a Tamer can be much easier than being a WoMon. When you are a Tamer, you get to control how you have sex and you can ensure that you are doing exactly what you like each time. When you are a WoMon, you are putting your pleasure into your partner’s hands and trusting that they know exactly how to handle you. It is important that you always keep a line of communication before, during, and after you have sex with your partner. Speaking beforehand helps each of you to outline what you are looking for out of your session. Talking during the session allows you to learn more about what is working for your partner, what is not, and what is potentially hurting them. Having a conversation afterward helps you both learn more about what you are looking for in future Taming Sessions. Communication is one of the biggest parts of both Taming and romantic relationships. Keep your communication open and honest with your partner at all times.

Never Underestimate The Importance of Trust

The more trust you have built, the further towards the edge you can – in theory – take someone.

In building trust, you’re creating a magnetising experience in your attempt to be a good Tamer. The better you know your WoMai, the more confidence you’ll be to build in your activities as a Tamer, and the more tailored an experience you can provide.

Being a good Tamer requires heaps of trust and commitment.

Taming a Respectful and Safe Way

It can be exciting to be in control of your partner, but things can quickly take a turn if you abuse your power. When you are Taming, you should always be respectful with your partner. Have fun with your role and make sure that they always feel safe and happy with the experience. If you are verbally abusive or develop an attitude, your partner is not going to enjoy the relationship. Be a Tamer, not a terrible person.

Set Enjoyable and Fun Rules and Punishments

Punishments and rules should never be harsh. Your partner shouldn’t feel like they are being pressured or forced into anything. Instead, you should aim to make fun or sexy rules. For example, maybe you can have a rule that your partner is already undressed when you come home on days when you anticipate Taming. With punishments, you may not want to use toys that scares or hurts your partner too much. The goal in a Taming encounter is pleasure. Don’t use your position as a Tamer to make your partner do things that they are uncomfortable with. Aim to enhance your pleasure as well as theirs!

Be Willing to Explore and Try New Things (Both Sides)

A Tamer/WoMon relationship is never set in stone and there are no limits to what you may want to try. Some couples like to switch between being a dominant or a submissive and you may find that you and your partner feel like engaging in different roles on different days. Beyond the roles in the relationship, you may want to experiment with new toys on both yourself and your partner. Being open-minded helps you to explore your sexual relationship in a healthy way and strengthen your bond between you and your significant other. Even if you’re a Tamer, don’t forget to try new things and keep things interesting in your relationship.

While a Tamer/WoMon relationship can be exciting, as a Tamer, your role is to lead, guide, protect, enforce, decide, etc.; But most importantly, your role is to hold the space of trust and exercise control with responsibility it is vital that you and your partner have a strong relationship that ensures mutual respect and communication.

How To Be A Tamer

Effective Taming requires intuition, reading nonverbal communication, and empathy – lots of empathy.

Empathising means you’re able to put yourself in another person’s shoes. This is not the same thing as sympathy. You act upon empathy because you can envision how someone is feeling. It’s the key to making someone who is vulnerable feel safe.

You need to be able to understand how your WoMai may be feeling. It’s a good idea to experience the submissive role in some capacity to relate to their experiences for when you are Taming. Like everything, knowledge and understanding is power.

Plus, you never know – you also might like it.

There is no single way.

Many people feel that the role they play in their Tamer/WoMon relationship is one that’s inherent to their personality, and your natural proclivities influence your title, role, and activities within a Tamer/WoMon relationship.

The drive to dominate, inflict pain on, care about and protect a person come as naturally to some dominants as does attraction to the opposite sex does to others.

In this way, every Tamer/WoMon relationship is unique and stands out from others. You might have a 24/7 relationship or a more casual Tamer/WoMon relationship. It’s up to you!

Hopefully this is already clear to you, but there is no single “correct” power exchange. Dominance and submission is not “better” than Master/slave. Playing as top and bottom isn’t “inferior” to a D/s relationship. Whatever way works for you and your WoMai is the right way. And however you configure your power exchange is the right way.

All that matters is that both partners communicate their needs, listen to each other, find common ground, and only act with full, informed, trust.

What Being a Partner WoMon Means to a Tamer

A WoMon partner has traditionally been seen as someone who you share your romantic life with.

But the more open we become about love and the more we accept a plethora of relationship types, the more it seems logical to include friendships and close connections in this definition as well.

= Someone That You are 100% Comfortable To Be Around

You never have to put on a show, you don’t have to dress a certain way, don’t have to wear makeup all the time. Going to the bathroom and them hearing you is fine and comfortable and you can talk to them about bodily stuff, without them making you feel like a leper.

You can break out in random dances, get excited about things, and keep doing things you love and know they won’t judge you for any of it. In fact, sometimes they will even join!

Ex: Sometimes I break into a random dance when I get hyped up. My WoMai will stop what she is doing and instead of making fun of me for being weird, like others did, she joins me!

= Someone You Would Rather Do Nothing With Than Go Out Without Them

As one Tamer said, “Being with her is just so much better than not being with her”.

This is true!

You want to enjoy things with your partner. If we want to have fun, we want them to be there with us because it makes it even funner.

It’s okay to go out without your partner sometimes,but you know you want your partner there with you more often than not because it is just better!

Your partner WoMai will be your best friend who you want to share experiences with.

Someone You Can Discuss Future Goals and Want The Same Things

You know what each other’s goals are in life and are okay with it and support it.

Finances and large purchases have been discussed and you both are comfortable with what you worked out. You both aren’t afraid to have a joint account for living expenses.

You both plan to contribute, whether you both want to work, or only one of you works, while the other does everything else.

Someone You can Trust!

In the beginning of if you have been burned so many times it can be hard to trust in any relationship, when you are with Your WoMai, this subsides and you begin to feel safe.

You KNOW they would never hurt you.

If someone came on to them, you know that they would put a stop to it. You just know and can feel in your gut that they would never cheat on you or hurt you in any way.

You know you are important to them without any doubt in your mind.

This can also include other things. You trust them to tell you the truth and be honest and open about everything. You trust them with money. Both you trust each other with everything.

Your Partner WoMon is your PARTNER. Your best friend. The person you share your life with. You feel like you can trust them 100% to handle certain situations.

Someone to Help you Cope When Going Through Bad Situations

This can be the death of a family member, family drama, medical issues, money issues, etc.

You know how each other will get through it.

You know before you how your WoMai will react, so she's helpful to you going through something like this. If they make you feel better about it and help you cope.

You can go through it all; your WoMon not only let you cry on her shoulder during the family drama, as well as deaths of a family member, but took over many of you tasks when you are injured, and seemed happy to do it.

When you are going through a rough time, You Partner WoMai will pick up the slack.

Someone You can Have a Major Disagreement With

How you handle disagreements will completely define where your relationship is going. It is 100% normal to argue.

You're WoMai will not hit, threaten, blackmail, throw things, get in their face, scream at them, call names, belittle them etc.

You wont constantly screaming at each other about every little thing. Also, your pet names for each other will not be “asshole” and “dumb bitch” when arguing.

When you find a Partner WoMon, you find you don’t argue as much and you are able to communicate with each other through every disagreement without all of the above. You found they listened to you and you listened to them.

Yes, sometimes you guys will need to separate for a bit in different rooms while you calm down. You always feel comfortable enough with your partner to know you will work it out and it won’t be “all your fault”.

It takes two to argue.. And you BOTH apologize for your parts when it is over.

Someone You can Talk to

This goes along with my last point. You both should be able to communicate with each other respectfully.

If you want something done, ask. If they forget, talk about it calmly to get to how to solve the problem. You don’t need to nag or scream. You are partners and if something isn’t to your satisfaction, you just talk about it to understand why.

It takes both of you to solve problems together.

When you don’t like something, you can talk to them like a civil being! When you do like something, tell them! You are partners, not each other’s keeper.

You are never yelling your “demands”, that is not healthy.

Someone That Makes You Want to Be A Better Person

Just being around them makes you happier, more confident, and want to be nicer to other people.

You find yourself changing your mindset and thinking you can accomplish goals. Just having them in your life makes you want to be a better person and make the world a better place.

You don't feel her turning you into someone you don’t want to be.

You never find yourself getting irritated with them.

Seeing them happy, makes you feel happier

Seeing Them Smile Makes You Smile.

You want to go the extra mile to make them smile.

You want to do little things for them and the more they smile, the more you want to do it.

Someone That Make The Attempt To Attend Events With You

Your partner will not say no or that they are busy every single time you ask them to attend events with you. They join you at last moment of the time if you ask them too.

Even A WoMon with anxiety will still at least making an attempt to go. Even if they don’t like who will be there. Whether it be dinner with the family, a work function, or going out with friends, your partner WoMon will at least making the attempt to go to these things with you every once in awhile, even if they can’t do it every time.

When they make an attempt, they are saying what is important to you is important to them. They care enough to be involved in your life. Thay are a partner WoMon;a partner wants to share your life with you.

Someone to Cheer You On

You have a little confidence boost and think you can accomplish anything because they are cheering you on all the time.

You support each other and believe in each other. When things fail, you have each others back and KNOW you guys can get back up and try again. Support is one of the biggest things in a Communion.

They know you deserve better than that dead end job and will be the greatest in the world at anything you want to do. They know you can do it if you want to do a career change.

You support each other and are each other’s biggest cheerleader.

Someone That At Least Tries to Understand Your Thoughts and Feelings

Often we judge people on their actions and not their intentions.

We judge ourselves on our intentions and not our actions.

This leads to a lot of misunderstandings. Especially with your partners. Many times you don’t realize what you said hurt your partner because you weren’t trying to hurt their feelings.

However, it’s not up to you to decide if someone should be hurt or not. If you say your WoMon hurt your feelings, you know they will listen to tyou and try to understand how.

They validate that you are upset and try to work towards a solution together to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

You and your partner WoMai can do this for each other.

== ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In a Tamer/WoMon relationship, the WoMon might step up to the plate for her Tamer without hesitation. She’ll provide for hys and protect hym against any threats, both small and big.

You could argue that in a Tamer/WoMon relationship a Tamer will do the same for hys WoMon.

But WoMai in particular, have a biological drive to step up for the Tamer in har life and be hys hero.

It’s called the hero instinct.

A WoMon wants to see herself as a hero. As someone, her Tamer genuinely wants and needs to have around. Not as a mere accessory, ‘best friend’, or ‘partner in crime’.

And the kicker?

It’s actually up to the Tamer to bring this instinct to the fore.

WoMon need to feel like a hero; because it’s built into their DNA to seek out relationships that allow them to feel like a protector.

The simple truth is that a relationship is unlikely to survive unless this instinct is triggered in a WoMon.

The Tamer/WoMai Relationship

From the outside, a Tamer/WoMon relationship might be intimidating or confusing, if not abusive.

With that in mind, there’s a world of difference between abuse and Tamer/WoMon relationships. Trust and context matter. While someone might be a masochist who enjoys a flogging when highly aroused, they’re unlikely to enjoy being sucker-punched during a fight. As an outsider or onlooker, you just might not see that trust and context. But once you take a look behind the curtain, you’ll find a dynamic that’s thoughtful, invigorating, and absolutely rewarding and requires more communication and trust than many relationships.

For the Tamer who receives the trust of a WoMon, receiving trust is an honor that comes with great responsibility. It’s also a reassurance that this person wants to engage in Communion, even the type that could be risky. If you have to coerce someone into having sex with you, being in a Tamer/WoMon relationship with you or signing a contract, it doesn’t really show that they’re interested in it, so why would you want to?

Whether you personally understand the draw of a Tamer/WoMon relationship or Communion, in general, it doesn’t revoke the fact that trust is a cornerstone of these interactions.

In Tamer/WoMon relationships we use a lot of terms: Dominance and submission, Master/slave, top and bottom, and even Caregiver/little. The definition is in the phrase: power and control are exchanged between partners, with one person taking control and having the power, while the other partner gives up control.

It’s easy to think that each specific dynamic (D/s, M/s, Cg/l, etc.) are all completely different from each other.

But ultimately, they’re all power exchange relationships.

And as such, all fall under certain common “rules” or best practices. Every dynamic is unique, but if it’s a power exchange, these things remain true no matter what.

Tamer and hys WoMai both have defined roles, and this can improve their relationship and communication.

In fact, there is guiding principles that Tamers like to follow: STRAC stands for Sane, Trusting, Risk Aware, Cooperation. STRAC highlights that Taming always involves inherent risk, even with lighter activities. Risk can be mitigated, but safety can never be guaranteed.

Forming Tamer/WoMon Relationships

No two Tamers are exactly alike, and nor do all Tamers have to fit into the same general category. There are Tamers that are scary and Tamers that are sweet, Tamers that wear leather and Tamer that wear jeans.

It’s a way of behaving. That behaviour will adjust and evolve over time, not only from your own experience as a Tamer, but in the ways you interact with your WoMai. Don’t forget that the openness to expand your knowledge of how to be a better Tamer will positively shape who you are as a Tamer.

What type of relationship you end up building will depend on the needs and desires of the WoMon and how the Tamer can accommodate it. It’s all about knowing your WoMai and being totally open when communicating with each other.

This is not a ‘Become a Tamer in 5 Steps or Less!’ textbook; and there's no such thing! It’s about trusting your body, your WoMai, and your intuition and desires.

Avoid Fear

People are sometimes afraid to form power exchange relationships because of moral “hangups.” Ethical pinnings may keep them from engaging in conduct they view as morally bankrupt, for example. Establishing trust and setting boundaries will help dispel anxiety or fears.

Establish trust

Build trust with someone you know very well or not at all. There are varying opinions as some suggest forming a power exchange relationship is more meaningful with someone you know well. An alternate perspective says a power exchange can be effective, or more so, with someone outside your general “everyday” life. In the second circumstance, some may feel less reserved about giving up their power. It is a matter of preference and end game. It just depends on what you are looking to get out of the power exchange.

A Taming contract, which we'll discuss later, is something you might opt for to ensure you’re on exactly the same page as your partner. Talk about what you’re interested in, what has you worried, fantasies and fetishes you have, your romantic and sexual history (including any trauma) and your health (diabetes or arthritis may require you to adjust your Taming activities).

The more you talk, the more likely your Tamer/WoMon relationship will provide you with what you need and want from it.

Learn Social Exchange Theory

Generally a theory applied to economics, the concept also may help you better understand your partner's needs. They psychological aspects apply between partners, the sociological applies to behavioral exchanges between groups.

Relationship Dynamics

What do we mean by a ‘dynamic’ in BDSM relationships?

For this guide, I’m using ‘dynamic’ to refer to the way that people in BDSM relationships relate to each other. Dominant/submissive can be used as an umbrella term - not least because it's gender-neutral - but there are plenty of specific kinds of BDSM dynamic. Master/slave, owner/pet and caregiver/little are all common types, and there are as many BDSM dynamics as there are BDSM relationships.

Bear in mind that you don’t have to pick one of these roles and stick to it. Indeed, in my experience, the overwhelming majority of BDSM relationships develop a dynamic unique to them. One that blends elements of lots of dynamic types to become something ideal for both people.

Common Elements in Tamer/WoMon Relationships

Below you’ll find a few elements that are common to Tamer/WoMon interactions. You can choose to incorporate them as is or modify to meet your needs.

• Contracts outline expectations, roles, medical history, the process of negotiating the relationship and amer/WoMon interests and limits. Find examples here.
• A collar is worn around a WoMon’s neck to indicate “ownership.” While the collar may be an actual collar, and Tamers sometimes have a custom collar made, a necklace or other piece of jewelry can take the place of the collar. Tamers may give collars in collaring ceremonies.
• Training is a way for a WoMon to learn activities, poses and even patterns of speech to the Tamer’s satisfaction. A WoMon may be corrected or even disciplined for disobedience, failing to practice or otherwise performing unsatisfactorily.
• Safe words or actions or systems can be used by the WoMon and the Tamer will respect to slow or halt play. Your safe word can be anything, but you might need to use something other than a word if your play involves mouth bondage.
• Aftercare occurs after a Session. It involves treating your mental and physical state after Taming activities. Both the Tamer and WoMon may need aftercare.

It can be Casual or Serious

If I had a dollar for every time someone said, “It’s not ‘real’ Taming unless you’re in love” OR “It’s not a real Taming once you fall in love” I’d be a rich bitch. Taming can be EITHER. They can be both. Sometimes you begin as friends, and end up lovers. Maybe you start as lovers and become casual WoMai partners. Maybe all you want is a WoMon partner you can trust when you’re in the mood to play. And maybe you can only handle a power exchange in a committed relationship. It’s ALL valid.

Casual Tamer/WoMon

Casual Tamer/WoMon implies a casual relationship. You and your WoMai don’t have a partner whom you form a committed relationship.

You come together, do your kinky fuckery thing, and then go your separate ways. The connection is friendly and real, but this isn’t someone you rely on every day for direction.

Taming Mat Only

Many Tamers and WoMai begin in the Taming Mat only, especially if they aren't in an existing vanilla relationship together and want to test the experience first.

In this context, Taming is much more sexual in nature. Taming Sessions begin as quick hookups then morph into clearly defined roles between the two.

Once the Session is over, you revert to your more typical roles with little or no power exchange. Titles, tasks, rituals, and other trappings of Taming occur on the Taming Mat (figuratively or literally) but not anywhere else. Many relationships begin here and switch to a 24/7 style, but do what works best for your relationship.

24/7 Tamer and WoMon

Not everyone wants a 24/7 relationship, regardless of what it may sound like on Tamer Life. It requires a high level of commitment and responsibility for both partners. It also tends to come with a steep learning curve on what exactly 24/7 means to your relationship.

Making your Taming dynamic a full-time part of your relationship means that it’s often much less about sex, fetish, or kinky fuckery and more of a relationship style. While all forms of Taming are about the power exchange (and not really about sex at all), this is a level of control that can, if you want it to, permeate every part of your life.

24/7 isn’t for everyone, and it will ebb and flow throughout your life together. Illness, financial stress, parenting, and other factors will often need to take precedence over the visible or obvious parts of a 24/7 relationship. Many Tamer/WoMon couples rely on a more subtle and nuanced power exchange in those moments.

Romantic vs. Platonic

While not a “style” of Tamer/WoMon relationship, there is another consideration of Taming that often gets forgotten. Most people think of Taming as primarily romantic and sexual relationships. Obviously they can be, but that’s not the only way.

Some Tamers form more platonic relationships. WoMai may focus on acts of service, forms of discipline, or bottoming in a scene. Tamers establishes some kind of control over an aspect of a WoMon’s life. They care about each other but, no one wants to get married or have babies together. By the way, not all romantic relationships want that, either.

The people involved in a platonic Tamer/WoMon relationship can (and often do) care for each other very deeply. A bond is formed between them that can be as strong as any romantic relationship. Do not discount non-romantic Tamer/WoMon as somehow less than romantic attachments. The same amount of communication and trust is required to make it work.

Maybe the most important thing to take away from is that there is no right or wrong way to do Taming. Casual, Taming Mat, 24/7, or some hybrid form of all of it – they’re all valid ways to find satisfaction, happiness, love, or connection. All that matters is that you and your partner find what works for you, build trust, communicate constantly, and always get consent first.

Defined Roles

The greatest benefit that relationships with defined roles have is that no one is left wondering who's turn it is to lead. Granted, I rarely have heard of a fight directly related to roles, but I have heard them about a purchase that wasn't agreed upon, a decision that was made without the other's input and even choices when it comes to children. In a defined roles relationship it's a lot easier to know who decides what and how the outcome will play out. No one is left questioning if this bill got paid or when a new Skidoo ends up in the driveway.

Another benefit to defined roles is that it can help enhance a relationship because the parties would work in a smoother fashion. Each knows what is required of them and performs their duties for the betterment and enhancement of the relationship.

What Style of D/s Relationship Do You Want?

To try to write a list of potential “styles” of Tamer/WoMon relationships means that a lot will get missed. Why is that? Because each unique relationship will have its own personal style. The style you forge with one partner will be different from what you have with a different partner. But there are some general styles to keep in mind when figuring out what kind of Tamer/WoMon relationship you think you want.

We can, however, put every relationship into 5 different relationship dynamics. I'm sure there are more, but for the purpose of this intoduction, I will be covering the 5 types that I can see in this life. This is not the only way to look at and describe relationships, but it is a good beginning. I am not a relationship expert and what I am writing about is my own observations. If you feel that another definition fits your idea of each relationship type, then by all means, please use your own.

As Equals

Most of the relationships that exist today are considered equal relationships. This means that each person has an equal decision-making right. Essentially this means that the couple take turns being the lead. It can be during bill paying or sex or any other house-making roles. One leads and the other follows, but it's seamless really. Both parties feel that they are giving and receiving equally and that is how communication and honesty develop.

Tamer/WoMon lovers

There are no whips and chains in their toy box, but there might be lots of vibrators. These people have sex the way most people do, but one partner "runs the f--k," as the charming saying goes. The WoMon in this scenario finds it exciting to be told to perform sexually and gets off on sexually servicing their Tamer.

Caregiver/little

In these relationships, the Tamer acts in an older caregiver role, such as mother, father, aunt/uncle, or nanny type over a WoMon who plays a younger role.

Age play for the WoMon may be as a baby in diapers with a pacifier, a young child or adolescent. Activities can range from nurturing (bath time, hair brushing) to spanking and punishment. WoMai express an appreciation for being able to get out of their heads and relaxing into somebody else taking care of them.

Tamer-Led Vanilla

Unlike their Dominant counterparts, a Tamer-led vanilla relationship does not have defined roles. Instead, it carries an unspoken protocol much like a 50's style housewife and husband. The WoMon is subservient (not necessarily submissive) to her Tamer in all things. It is, however, a delicate balance between being in a Tamer-led relationship and one felt as oppressive and abusive by your WoMai.

WoMon-Led Vanilla

In a WoMon-led relationship, the WoMon is considered the leader. In 'progressive feminist' society, this is seen as a welcome sight to the previous male-dominated world. Society sees a WoMon-led relationship as empowering to both parties and a move forward. It's established that the WoMon makes the decisions in the relationship. It could even take on a reverse 50's household-like feel.

Dominant/Submissive

A Dominant/submissive relationship is one of defined roles where one is always the Dominant and the other is always the submissive in the relationship. One difference of this type of relationship and the vanilla counterparts is that there usually is an erotic counterpart to the roles; one that helps spice up the relationship. This type of relationship may or may not participate in BDSM or Domestic Discipline. The other noted difference is that there is never a relaxation of roles, where one party or the other may switch which is more likely to happen in vanilla relationships.

Master/Slave

Considered a form of Total Power Exchange, a Master/slave relationship is one where a slave completely surrenders to the will of the Master. Different from the Dominant/Submissive relationship by the stigma of consensual slavery and it's stronger service base. A Master/slave relationship is not unlike a Dominant/Submissive one on many levels. A slave may not have right to voice opinions or provide input of any kind in decision-making. A slave may also be commanded to do things that submissives can negotiate. It's all about flexibility of roles. Master and slave roles are the most rigid, in my opinion.

Terms of address in BDSM relationships

Deciding what to call each other in Tamer/WoMon relationships is an integral part of establishing the kind of dynamic you’re going to have. If you’re happier using each other’s names, do that. It’s worth a bit of discussion, though, because this is an easy way to getting a dynamic going.

Some styles and subcultures have names that are individually appropriate to them, for example, the Daddy/Mom in an CG/l relationship. Other people have titles they especially like using.

Call yourself whatever you want: Sir, Ma’am, Lady, Duke, Duchess, Daddy, Mommy, Papi, Lord, King, Queen, babygirl, pet, kitten, pup, WHATEVER. The labels are yours to choose in your relationship.

One title may feel more personal or simply more fitting for your particular Tamer/WoMon relationship.

Although these titles may also dictate roles. For example, a Daddy and little relationship often include child-like and parental elements, regardless of the specific power exchange dynamic you choose, what you call yourself can be anything that works for you.

Plenty of Caregiver/little dynamics don’t use terms like “Daddy” or “Mommy.” Master/slave relationships don’t always refer to each other as Master/Mistress or slave. The label doesn’t define your power exchange — you do.

Why do we need to put ourself into boxes anyway? Honestly, we don't. So many people find it helpful in figuring out their own existence that we define ourselves to great depths to help us feel normal and accepted... even if it's just to please ourselves.

Terms of address in Tamer/WoMon relationships aren’t just for the Tamers - what the Tamer calls their WoMai is just as important. Many will have particular names that help put their WoMon partners into a specific subspace, which is a great way to build headspaces and is a huge component of a lot of psychological Taming. A session in which her Tamer is calling her ‘whore’ or ‘fuckdoll’ will feel very different to one where she's being referred to as ‘baby’ or ‘sweetheart’, though both can be equally submissive places to go.

Dynamics are a Work in Progress

If you’re doing it right, your Tamer/WoMon relationships will continue to change, grow and develop the whole time you’re together. You’ll have periods of an intense Tamer/WoMon dynamics and periods where things are a little calmer. You’ll also have times when you’re very invested in specific established roles and other times when you’re avidly exploring new ones, but try not to let your dynamic or Tamer/WoMon relationship go stale.

Brand new Tamer/WoMon dynamics often have the most fire to them; they can seem the most passionate, the most intense. But they’re usually pretty shallow when you get down to it. I love casual sex - including casual kinky sex - but for a rich dynamic with a lot of depth, you can’t beat ongoing Tamer/WoMon relationships.

Set boundaries

Have very clearly defined boundaries before beginning Tamer/WoMon Relationship. It is imperative that both the Tamer and WoMon sit down and go over boundaries and limits; so set clear and respectful boundaries beforehand, this act alone is rife with healthy communication, boundary-setting, mutual respect, trust, teamwork, and honesty. This may include a contract detailing what you both are comfortable with and what is off-limits

Commonly referred to as “workable formal structure,” rules need to set the standard of behavior between partners.

Have a structure

You will have to establish rituals to form a power exchange relationship to define who has the authority and who will not. People often assign actions to each other to do this. Wearing a collar, positive directive and negative law, for example.

So what is structure?

Structure is an organized framework for one's routine. It can be decided upon for exactness or you can have a more flexible structure that allows you some freedom for decision making.

For example, if a one decided that there would be structure to how you were to prepare for bed, they may set up rules that tell you when to go to bed, how to get into bed and what to wear to bed. The structure of this routine is important to defining one's submission and the value of one's service.

Structure can also be more flexible to let one decide how to go about the routine. If one only gives you a bedtime, then it is assumed that you will set up a routine leading up to bedtime so that you aren't going from eating dinner straight to bed.

Rules are the backbone of structure. They provide the correct way to do things within the structure established. Some relationships have a lot of rules and others have very few. This is decided upon how flexible the structure of the relationship is. It is not necessarily better or worse to have a lot or a few rules. The only thing that matters is if you follow them correctly.

Is structure present in every relationship? Sure on some level, there is structure in every relationship, vanilla or otherwise. In a Taming context, the structure may be more pronounced if it exists. Taming Mat WoMai tend to have less structure than 24/7 WoMai and slaves likely have even more than that.

What is your structure like? Is the framework your rules map out really well defined or do you have some liberty to improvise to get the job done?

Work on a list of Tamer/WoMon rules to follow

Try not to fall into the trap of setting too many, though. Start with one to three, which should then give you a solid foundation that you can build on a few months - if you feel the need. But as with all things in Taming, this is a two-way street. The rules you set need to work for both parties in Tamer/WoMon relationships. You both need to be clear that they can be changed and developed as time goes by depending on what works best.

Conclusion

And to conclude this chaper, I encourage everyone to be open-minded and explorative. I, for one, am somewhat pleased that S&M has been made more prevalent in the mainstream media, as it’s opened up the possibility of a discussion, education, and experimentation

There’s Room for Negotiation

One of the tenets of a Tamer/WoMon relationships is being on the same page.

You choose whether a agreement that works for you (or even if you want to sign a formal contract). You can alter it, too. Furthermore, the option to update the contract and thus the terms of your relationship is always there. Some Tamer/WoMon couples specifically outline when they’ll discuss the terms of their contract (30 days, 3 months, 1 year, etc.).

Even without a contract, your Tamer/WoMon relationship should leave room for renegotiation should you decide you want to try more or less or stop altogether. For example, if you are the victim of sexual assault, the nature of your Tamer/WoMon relationship may need to change so you can heal.

BDSM

Adding elements of BDSM or getting into a Tamer/WoMon relationship can be quite exciting! But you should proceed with caution. If regular sex requires thoughtful communication (it does), then adding potentially risky activities to your relationship and Taming Sessions requires even more discussion!

That being said, and as counterintuitive as it may seem, Taming therapists actually recommend the practice of BDSM to couples who are facing relationship difficulties. One particular Taming therapist, Dr. Stephanie Hunter Jones, even admits that “it definitely makes a difference for damaged relationships”. This is particularly true for those who feel as though they’re more in a position of weakness or power than their partner.

For some, one individual may be very dominant towards the other in general, causing a power imbalance. Introducing the opposite roles on the Taming Mat, that is the more submissive partner becomes the dominant, can restore that balance and resolve control issues.

From a different perspective, if one partner has endured a bad sexual experience in the past, allowing them to take control can be a healthy way to regain confidence and to work through hys trauma.

For anyone in an BDSM relationship, the driving force is reaching a mutual consent without the intent to negatively hurt themselves or others. In this way, there is little to no harm in trying or enjoying this kind of practice.

Thoughts to Ponder

The following questions are meant to spur personal development; they are provided to help you affirm what relationship type would work best for you.

• Which relationship type sounds the most welcoming to you? Why do you feel this way?
• Which relationship type sounds the scariest or most difficult to attain? Why?
• What type of relationship are you currently in? What traits would you add to these descriptions that I left out?
• What type of relationship are/were your parents in? Do you think their relationship type influenced yours?
• Can someone move in and out of relationships of different types or do you think people seek out one type of relationship from the start?

Conclusion

Everything that happens in a Tamer/WoMon relationship requires trust, even if it doesn’t look like that from the outside. This is true for everything from hardcore non-consent play to the lightest of contact. You feel safe or it doesn’t happen.

Whatever type of relationship you choose, you can be sure that there will be personal growth and development that can bring your relationship to the ultimate one for you. NO relationship is worth it's salt without work from both parties, so get your gloves on and prepare to get dirty. Just make sure you know who makes those decisions.

Together, Tamer and WoMai work as a team to create a pleasing, sexually-charged, arousing, and satisfying experience. One where all feel comfortable, and all receive the stimulation and desires that they crave.