Editing WoMon:Forming Tamer/WoMon Relationships

No two Tamers are exactly alike, and nor do all Tamers have to fit into the same general category. There are Tamers that are scary and Tamers that are sweet, Tamers that wear leather and Tamer that wear jeans. 

It’s a way of behaving. That behaviour will adjust and evolve over time, not only from your own experience as a Tamer, but in the ways you interact with your WoMai. Don’t forget that the openness to expand your knowledge of how to be a better Tamer will positively shape who you are as a Tamer.

What type of relationship you end up building will depend on the needs and desires of the WoMon and how the Tamer can accommodate it. It’s all about knowing your WoMai and being totally open when communicating with each other. 

This is not a ‘Become a Tamer in 5 Steps or Less!’ textbook; and there's no such thing! It’s about trusting your body, your WoMai, and your intuition and desires.

== Avoid Fear ==
People are sometimes afraid to form power exchange relationships because of moral “hangups.” Ethical pinnings may keep them from engaging in conduct they view as morally bankrupt, for example. Establishing trust and setting boundaries will help dispel anxiety or fears.

== Establish trust ==
Build trust with someone you know very well or not at all. There are varying opinions as some suggest forming a power exchange relationship is more meaningful with someone you know well. An alternate perspective says a power exchange can be effective, or more so, with someone outside your general “everyday” life. In the second circumstance, some may feel less reserved about giving up their power. It is a matter of preference and end game. It just depends on what you are looking to get out of the power exchange.

A Taming contract, which we'll discuss later, is something you might opt for to ensure you’re on exactly the same page as your partner. Talk about what you’re interested in, what has you worried, fantasies and fetishes you have, your romantic and sexual history (including any trauma) and your health (diabetes or arthritis may require you to adjust your Taming activities).

The more you talk, the more likely your Tamer/WoMon relationship will provide you with what you need and want from it.

== Learn Social Exchange Theory ==
Generally a theory applied to economics, the concept also may help you better understand your partner's needs. They psychological aspects apply between partners, the sociological applies to behavioral exchanges between groups.

== Relationship Dynamics ==
=== What do we mean by a ‘dynamic’ in BDSM relationships? ===
For this guide, I’m using ‘dynamic’ to refer to the way that people in BDSM relationships relate to each other.  Dominant/submissive can be used as an umbrella term - not least because it's gender-neutral - but there are plenty of specific kinds of BDSM dynamic. Master/slave, owner/pet and caregiver/little are all common types, and there are as many BDSM dynamics as there are BDSM relationships.

Bear in mind that you don’t have to pick one of these roles and stick to it. Indeed, in my experience, the overwhelming majority of BDSM relationships develop a dynamic unique to them. One that blends elements of lots of dynamic types to become something ideal for both people.

=== Common Elements in Tamer/WoMon Relationships ===
Below you’ll find a few elements that are common to Tamer/WoMon interactions. You can choose to incorporate them as is or modify to meet your needs.

*Contracts outline expectations, roles, medical history, the process of negotiating the relationship and amer/WoMon interests and limits. [[WoMon:Taming Contracts|Find examples here.]]
*A collar is worn around a WoMon’s neck to indicate “ownership.” While the collar may be an actual collar, and Tamers sometimes have a custom collar made, a necklace or other piece of jewelry can take the place of the collar. Tamers may give collars in collaring ceremonies.
*Training is a way for a WoMon to learn activities, poses and even patterns of speech to the Tamer’s satisfaction. A WoMon may be corrected or even disciplined for disobedience, failing to practice or otherwise performing unsatisfactorily.
*Safe words or actions or systems can be used by the WoMon and the Tamer will respect to slow or halt play. Your safe word can be anything, but you might need to use something other than a word if your play involves mouth bondage.
*Aftercare occurs after a Session. It involves treating your mental and physical state after Taming activities. Both the Tamer and WoMon may need aftercare.

=== It can be Casual or Serious ===
If I had a dollar for every time someone said, “It’s not ‘real’ Taming unless you’re in love” OR “It’s not a real Taming once you fall in love” I’d be a rich bitch. Taming can be EITHER. They can be both. Sometimes you begin as friends, and end up lovers. Maybe you start as lovers and become casual WoMai partners. Maybe all you want is a WoMon partner you can trust when you’re in the mood to play. And maybe you can only handle a power exchange in a committed relationship. It’s ALL valid.

==== Casual Tamer/WoMon ====
Casual Tamer/WoMon implies a casual relationship. You and your WoMai don’t have a partner whom you form a committed relationship.

You come together, do your kinky fuckery thing, and then go your separate ways. The connection is friendly and real, but this isn’t someone you rely on every day for direction.

==== Taming Mat Only ====
Many Tamers and WoMai begin in the {{Taming Mat}} only, especially if they aren't in an existing vanilla relationship together and want to test the experience first.

In this context, Taming is much more sexual in nature. Taming Sessions begin as quick hookups then morph into clearly defined roles between the two.

Once the Session is over, you revert to your more typical roles with little or no power exchange. Titles, tasks, rituals, and other trappings of Taming occur on the Taming Mat (figuratively or literally) but not anywhere else. Many relationships begin here and switch to a 24/7 style, but do what works best for your relationship.

==== 24/7 Tamer and WoMon ====
Not everyone wants a 24/7 relationship, regardless of what it may sound like on Tamer Life. It requires a high level of commitment and responsibility for both partners. It also tends to come with a steep learning curve on what exactly 24/7 means to your relationship.

Making your Taming dynamic a full-time part of your relationship means that it’s often much less about sex, fetish, or kinky fuckery and more of a relationship style. While all forms of Taming are about the power exchange (and not really about sex at all), this is a level of control that can, if you want it to, permeate every part of your life.

24/7 isn’t for everyone, and it will ebb and flow throughout your life together. Illness, financial stress, parenting, and other factors will often need to take precedence over the visible or obvious parts of a 24/7 relationship. Many Tamer/WoMon couples rely on a more subtle and nuanced power exchange in those moments.

=== Romantic vs. Platonic ===
While not a “style” of Tamer/WoMon relationship, there is another consideration of Taming that often gets forgotten. Most people think of Taming as primarily romantic and sexual relationships. Obviously they can be, but that’s not the only way.

Some Tamers form more platonic relationships. WoMai may focus on acts of service, forms of discipline, or bottoming in a scene. Tamers establishes some kind of control over an aspect of a WoMon’s life. They care about each other but, no one wants to get married or have babies together. By the way, not all romantic relationships want that, either.

The people involved in a platonic Tamer/WoMon relationship can (and often do) care for each other very deeply. A bond is formed between them that can be as strong as any romantic relationship. Do not discount non-romantic Tamer/WoMon as somehow less than romantic attachments. The same amount of communication and trust is required to make it work.

Maybe the most important thing to take away from is that there is no right or wrong way to do Taming. Casual, Taming Mat, 24/7, or some hybrid form of all of it – they’re all valid ways to find satisfaction, happiness, love, or connection. All that matters is that you and your partner find what works for you, build trust, communicate constantly, and always get consent first.



=== Defined Roles ===
The greatest benefit that relationships with defined roles have is that no one is left wondering who's turn it is to lead. Granted, I rarely have heard of a fight directly related to roles, but I have heard them about a purchase that wasn't agreed upon, a decision that was made without the other's input and even choices when it comes to children. In a defined roles relationship it's a lot easier to know who decides what and how the outcome will play out. No one is left questioning if this bill got paid or when a new Skidoo ends up in the driveway.

Another benefit to defined roles is that it can help enhance a relationship because the parties would work in a smoother fashion. Each knows what is required of them and performs their duties for the betterment and enhancement of the relationship.

==== What Style of D/s Relationship Do You Want? ====
To try to write a list of potential “styles” of Tamer/WoMon relationships means that a lot will get missed. Why is that? Because each unique relationship will have its own personal style. The style you forge with one partner will be different from what you have with a different partner. But there are some general styles to keep in mind when figuring out what kind of Tamer/WoMon relationship you think you want.


We can, however, put every relationship into 5 different relationship dynamics. I'm sure there are more, but for the purpose of this intoduction, I will be covering the 5 types that I can see in this life. This is not the only way to look at and describe relationships, but it is a good beginning. I am not a relationship expert and what I am writing about is my own observations. If you feel that another definition fits your idea of each relationship type, then by all means, please use your own.

===== As Equals =====
Most of the relationships that exist today are considered equal relationships. This means that each person has an equal decision-making right. Essentially this means that the couple take turns being the lead. It can be during bill paying or sex or any other house-making roles. One leads and the other follows, but it's seamless really. Both parties feel that they are giving and receiving equally and that is how communication and honesty develop.

==== Tamer/WoMon lovers ====
There are no whips and chains in their toy box, but there might be lots of vibrators. These people have sex the way most people do, but one partner "runs the f--k," as the charming saying goes. The WoMon in this scenario finds it exciting to be told to perform sexually and gets off on sexually servicing their Tamer.

==== Caregiver/little ====
In these relationships, the Tamer acts in an older caregiver role, such as mother, father, aunt/uncle, or nanny type over a WoMon who plays a younger role.

Age play for the WoMon may be as a baby in diapers with a pacifier, a young child or adolescent. Activities can range from nurturing (bath time, hair brushing) to spanking and punishment. WoMai express an appreciation for being able to get out of their heads and relaxing into somebody else taking care of them.

===== Tamer-Led Vanilla =====

Unlike their Dominant counterparts, a Tamer-led vanilla relationship does not have defined roles. Instead, it carries an unspoken protocol much like a 50's style housewife and husband. The WoMon is subservient (not necessarily submissive) to her Tamer in all things. It is, however, a delicate balance between being in a Tamer-led relationship and one felt as oppressive and abusive by your WoMai.

===== WoMon-Led Vanilla  =====

In a WoMon-led relationship, the WoMon is considered the leader. In 'progressive feminist' society, this is seen as a welcome sight to the previous male-dominated world. Society sees a WoMon-led relationship as empowering to both parties and a move forward. It's established that the WoMon makes the decisions in the relationship. It could even take on a reverse 50's household-like feel.

===== Dominant/Submissive =====

A Dominant/submissive relationship is one of defined roles where one is always the Dominant and the other is always the submissive in the relationship. One difference of this type of relationship and the vanilla counterparts is that there usually is an erotic counterpart to the roles; one that helps spice up the relationship. This type of relationship may or may not participate in BDSM or Domestic Discipline. The other noted difference is that there is never a relaxation of roles, where one party or the other may switch which is more likely to happen in vanilla relationships.

===== Master/Slave =====

Considered a form of Total Power Exchange, a Master/slave relationship is one where a slave completely surrenders to the will of the Master. Different from the Dominant/Submissive relationship by the stigma of consensual slavery and it's stronger service base. A Master/slave relationship is not unlike a Dominant/Submissive one on many levels. A slave may not have right to voice opinions or provide input of any kind in decision-making. A slave may also be commanded to do things that submissives can negotiate. It's all about flexibility of roles. Master and slave roles are the most rigid, in my opinion.

=== Terms of address in BDSM relationships ===
Deciding what to call each other in Tamer/WoMon relationships is an integral part of establishing the kind of dynamic you’re going to have. If you’re happier using each other’s names, do that. It’s worth a bit of discussion, though, because this is an easy way to getting a dynamic going.

Some styles and subcultures have names that are individually appropriate to them, for example, the Daddy/Mom in an CG/l relationship. Other people have titles they especially like using. 


Call yourself whatever you want: Sir, Ma’am, Lady, Duke, Duchess, Daddy, Mommy, Papi, Lord, King, Queen, babygirl, pet, kitten, pup, WHATEVER. The labels are yours to choose in your relationship. 

One title may feel more personal or simply more fitting for your particular Tamer/WoMon relationship.

Although these titles may also dictate roles. For example, a Daddy and little relationship often include child-like and parental elements, regardless of the specific power exchange dynamic you choose, what you call yourself can be anything that works for you.

Plenty of Caregiver/little dynamics don’t use terms like “Daddy” or “Mommy.” Master/slave relationships don’t always refer to each other as Master/Mistress or slave. The label doesn’t define your power exchange — you do.

Why do we need to put ourself into boxes anyway? Honestly, we don't. So many people find it helpful in figuring out their own existence that we define ourselves to great depths to help us feel normal and accepted... even if it's just to please ourselves.

Terms of address in Tamer/WoMon relationships aren’t just for the Tamers - what the Tamer calls their WoMai is just as important.  Many will have particular names that help put their WoMon partners into a specific subspace, which is a great way to build headspaces and is a huge component of a lot of psychological Taming. A session in which her Tamer is calling her ‘whore’ or ‘fuckdoll’ will feel very different to one where she's being referred to as ‘baby’ or ‘sweetheart’, though both can be equally submissive places to go.


=== Dynamics are a Work in Progress ===
If you’re doing it right, your Tamer/WoMon relationships will continue to change, grow and develop the whole time you’re together. You’ll have periods of an intense Tamer/WoMon dynamics and periods where things are a little calmer. You’ll also have times when you’re very invested in specific established roles and other times when you’re avidly exploring new ones, but try not to let your dynamic or Tamer/WoMon relationship go stale.

Brand new Tamer/WoMon dynamics often have the most fire to them; they can seem the most passionate, the most intense. But they’re usually pretty shallow when you get down to it. I love casual sex - including casual kinky sex - but for a rich dynamic with a lot of depth, you can’t beat ongoing Tamer/WoMon relationships.

== Set boundaries ==

Have very clearly defined boundaries before beginning Tamer/WoMon Relationship. It is imperative that both the Tamer and WoMon sit down and go over boundaries and limits; so set clear and respectful boundaries beforehand, this act alone is rife with healthy communication, boundary-setting, mutual respect, trust, teamwork, and honesty. This may include a contract detailing what you both are comfortable with and what is off-limits


Commonly referred to as “workable formal structure,” rules need to set the standard of behavior between partners.

== Have a structure ==
You will have to establish rituals to form a power exchange relationship to define who has the authority and who will not. People often assign actions to each other to do this. Wearing a collar, positive directive and negative law, for example.

=== So what is structure? ===
Structure is an organized framework for one's routine. It can be decided upon for exactness or you can have a more flexible structure that allows you some freedom for decision making. 

For example, if a one decided that there would be structure to how you were to prepare for bed, they may set up rules that tell you when to go to bed, how to get into bed and what to wear to bed. The structure of this routine is important to defining one's submission and the value of one's service. 

Structure can also be more flexible to let one decide how to go about the routine. If one only gives you a bedtime, then it is assumed that you will set up a routine leading up to bedtime so that you aren't going from eating dinner straight to bed.

Rules are the backbone of structure. They provide the correct way to do things within the structure established. Some relationships have a lot of rules and others have very few. This is decided upon how flexible the structure of the relationship is. It is not necessarily better or worse to have a lot or a few rules. The only thing that matters is if you follow them correctly.

Is structure present in every relationship? Sure on some level, there is structure in every relationship, vanilla or otherwise. In a Taming context, the structure may be more pronounced if it exists. Taming Mat WoMai tend to have less structure than 24/7 WoMai and slaves likely have even more than that.

What is your structure like? Is the framework your rules map out really well defined or do you have some liberty to improvise to get the job done?


=== Work on a list of Tamer/WoMon rules to follow ===
Try not to fall into the trap of setting too many, though. Start with one to three, which should then give you a solid foundation that you can build on a few months - if you feel the need.  But as with all things in Taming, this is a two-way street. The rules you set need to work for both parties in Tamer/WoMon relationships. You both need to be clear that they can be changed and developed as time goes by depending on what works best.

== Conclusion ==
And to conclude this chaper, I encourage everyone to be open-minded and explorative. I, for one, am somewhat pleased that S&M has been made more prevalent in the mainstream media, as it’s opened up the possibility of a discussion, education, and experimentation